I can't help but think of me last year around this time. I was starting my second IVF. Happily giving myself shots everyday.

I had started that round of IVF thinking that if it didn't work, I would stop trying. That was supposed to be my last hurrah. Till then I had never seen those elusive 2 lines on a pregnancy test. 

How life has changed since then!

Sometimes I wonder if it may have been easier to deal with the last year had I got a BFN in October 2007. Then I immediately think - No. I am so thankful for the outcome of that IVF. It brought us hope. It showed us what a positive pregnancy test looks like. It made DH and me collapse on the bathroom floor with huge smiles, and tears running down our faces. It gave me the confidence to go in for my beta with a little secret in my heart. For once I was not terrified of the result. 

In a couple of weeks after that - our first ultrasound. The first time we saw that tiny heart beating. Me lying there with tears running down the sides of my cheeks - into my ears. DH standing next to me holding my hand, tears filling his eyes too. Neither of us could say anything. Finally DH said "Thank you Doctor" to the RE. His response? "Don't thank me. Thank the higher power above us that made this happen."

We lost that little baby. But it brought us hope enough to try again. The next IVF ended in a chemical. But we still had hope. The next IVF resulted in an ectopic.

We still have hope. Maybe we shouldn't, but we do. I will probably never be the person I was before October 2007. The person before October 2007 was not a mom. I am. I am mom to 3 angels. I have 3 babies in heaven waiting for me to come cuddle them. I would never have had this hope and strength had that IVF not worked. 

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