The last few weeks have been full of decisions - one after another. Tough ones, too. 

The new set of decisions started with us deciding to go to CCRM. They found the shape of my uterus strange and suggested surgery. We have decided to proceed with the surgery (yes, I know I've written about it many times, and here I go again...!!!!)

They also had sent DH's semen for FISH analysis, and the results came back yesterday. What I didn't tell you was that with the results, CCRM also told us to consider using donor sperm. They said we could split my retrieved eggs into 2, and use donor sperm for one half, and DH's sperm for the remaining. Then we would do PGD on the embryos made from DH's sperm, and if we had nothing left for transfer, we would have a backup of embryos from donor sperm. 

Sounds practical, and an easy decision. While we've made decisions to proceed with surgery, and to do another IVF based on practical thinking, this decision could not be taken only practically. There were so many things to consider. 

If we use donor sperm, and we do have a baby with an embryo from donor sperm, how open would we be about it? Would we tell our families, friends, and even the baby? Our answer was "No". To our minds,  being open about this would only bring up more issues. Even inadvertently, unintentionally, if someone ever said something to or about DH or to or about me, or to or about the baby, it would not be nice. And it's not the matter of a day or a month or a year. It's a potential issue for the rest of our lives and for the rest of the baby's life. 

And if we choose not be open with our families and our friends, I would always have a gnawing stress in my heart. (Remember my post about me outside my blog? I HAVE to tell everything to my family at least) I would be stressed for the rest of my life if I did not tell them. 

Besides, there would always be awkward moments where people would say "Hmm, can't tell who the baby looks like" or "Oh my God, your baby has his dad's eyes / nose". Wouldn't it be awkward to keep quiet and let people say what they say? Wouldn't it hurt DH somewhere? Wouldn't it hurt me? 

You may think we should just be open about using donor sperm and proceed with it. The point is, I started TTC wanting to have a baby with DH. I don't want to just have a baby. I want his baby. And I don't want him to feel left out even remotely. I love him too much to be selfish about this, and put myself before him. 

I personally think that had the situation been reversed, and we were required to consider using donor egg, it may be an easier decision for me to go ahead and say yes.  At least I would still be a participant in the process, if I got pregnant with a donor egg embryo. Donor sperm leave DH out entirely. Yes, he would be involved in a supportive manner, but you get the picture. 

So today we have informed CCRM that we don't want to use donor sperm. We will attempt with my eggs and DH's sperm. If it works, great! If it doesn't, well, we tried.