If this upcoming surgery is a success, then we proceed with IVF. Last attempt, final crusade, whatever you call it – our fifth and final fresh IVF.

If the surgery is not successful, then we don’t want to waste that IVF attempt for nothing. I’m not sure what our options then are. Using a Gestational Carrier? Here? Overseas? Costs? Viability of the option for us? I don’t have the answers to those questions. Not yet anyway. And I’m sure there will be even more questions to consider – but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

If we do the IVF, and it is successful (by successful I mean not just a BFP, but bringing home a healthy baby), GREAT!!! Nothing like it. All the heartache, all the trials and tribulations will finally come to fruition and it will all be worth it.

If it doesn’t work – then what? The other day someone asked us if we were “Still trying” and “Have we not considered adoption”. I think most people suffering from IF have considered adoption at some point in time.

It’s again a completely personal decision, and one that cannot be categorized as right or wrong. Adoption is such a beautiful decision on it’s own, that I feel like I would be trivializing the beauty or the enormity of the decision if I take it on a rebound from a failed TTC cycle.

I’m probably not going to be able to explain this like I feel it in my heart, but I’ll try.

It’s like walking down a road, and coming to a 3 point split in the road. You want to take the path leading towards your left hand. You walk down that road and walk into a roadblock. You try again, but the block’s still there. You keep trying but the roadblock stays there.

But you still want to go down the road on the left. Everyone you know has been down that road, and has reached their destination! So you keep trying to overcome the hurdles on that path. Now you’re at the point where EVERYONE around you thinks you should change course and take the road that leads to your right hand side.

It’s easy for everyone to say that, because they have themselves been down the road on the left hand side, reached their destination and some of them are now considering taking a scenic route detour and exploring the path that leads to the right hand side.

The path straight ahead seems like a less popular one, but I’ll come to that in a bit.

That’s sort of how it is with adoption – in my mind. Most people want to have a family and will TTC. Most of those will get pregnant and will move on with their pregnancies and babies. People like us are still trying to tackle the roadblocks in our life. So easy for someone with a child to say “You guys should consider adoption instead” Had we chosen to adopt in the process of building our family, WITHOUT the baggage of IF and failures in our mind, it would be a different scenario.

Someone even told us “It’s not about HAVING a child, it’s about the child, and it’s about being parents to that child.” It made me feel like I was being selfish about wanting to have a child. Like I’m making this whole deal about ME. Is it wrong to want (and be selfish in that want) a child? Isn’t it obvious that once you have a child, the focus is certainly on the child and being good parents to the child?

I think deciding to adopt on a rebound, or because you HAVE to, is a poor choice. (Please note – this is my opinion – and even this opinion may change with time. I'm not judging anybody for any decisions, in fact, I'm very pleased for those that are able to make their decisions in peace.)

I feel adoption is a decision that needs to be taken with a clean slate. Clean colorless background. No grays and blacks of failure and depression, or reds of anger and frustration.

At this point, in my mind, my slate is not clean. It’s gray, red and black. If I choose to adopt with this frame of mind, it’s a decision for a wrong reason.

I feel if this IVF does not work, DH and I will live childfree. That, to me, is the path straight ahead. The one that is unpopular. We both feel like we will need to detox. At least for a while. While we lick our wounds and pick up the pieces of our life. 

We may decide after a while that adoption is right for us, and will move down the path leading to the right. But for now, if our IVF doesn’t work, we will close this chapter.