I’ve been trying really hard, but I’m finding it very hard to hold on to hope any longer. I know it all – think positive, believe in the power of vision – and believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying to be hopeful but I’m failing miserably.

I cannot help but wonder if I’m questioning fate too much. 7 years, failure after failure, heartache after heartache. Is fate not trying to say something? Am I not sticking my tongue out at it saying: “I’ll beat ya!!” But who’s stronger? Me or fate?

Lately I’ve been thinking if I may have been better off not going so far down the route of seeking treatment. I know someone who discovered she was having trouble with getting pregnant. This girl’s DH did not want to go to doctors and seek treatment. They have since then adopted 2 children and life has gone on for them. I know these decisions are personal to each couple. Why was it not such a “seemingly simple” decision for us?

Am I better off knowing the extent to which I know my IF, or is she better off – not finding out?

I’ve been wondering what will life be like if this last IVF doesn’t work out. What will “normal” be like? I shudder to think of that outcome. Yet, it is a very very possible outcome.

The thoughts in my head have been clouding up my brain so much in the past few days that it’s been hard to even put them into words. If this IVF doesn’t work, then what? Would we go back to being on birth control? This probably sounds like a completely stupid question, but in my scared mind, it isn’t. Given DH’s translocation, and the fact that only 36% of his sperm are of normal chromosomal makeup, there is a large possibility that we could have an embryo with an unbalanced translocation (in the rare even that we DO get pregnant on our own).

Are we ready for the trauma of possibly more miscarriages? How about the trauma of having a baby with special needs? DH’s translocation with his specific break points could (in extreme cases) lead to a child with an imperforate anus, or with kidney issues amongst various other developmental delays. More than the inconvenience to us, is it not a tragic life for the child? A baby with an imperforate anus will not live, but one with other milder issues could live. I would hate to be the one responsible for giving such a tragic life to my own baby.

What does one do? Go back on birth control? I know a couple of you reading this are dealing with translocation issues of your own. What would you do?

If I do get a BFP, I’m still going to be completely freaked out because how does one relax and enjoy a pregnancy any more? I am freaking out at the thought of a BFP as much as I am freaking out that it will fail. How do I calm my mind down? I just feel like I’m living Murphy’s Law – If anything can go wrong, it will.

So far it has…..