It's always something isn't it? I was for once SO happy and excited yesterday with my ER numbers. I was ecstatic - I mean, this was the best result I'd had - ever! And I'm the oldest I've ever been! 

I just jinx myself by feeling happy. I should just stay in the "fuck it" mode! 

I got my fert report. Out of 31 eggs, 24 were mature. They ICSId the 24, and we have only 14 that fertilized! I don't get it! This is the first time we've used ICSI and I think this is the worst fertilization rate we've had. I thought ICSI should make the rates go up! And I know that 14 would be a great number for someone that was not dealing with genetic interferences. But given our situation, we needed way way more than what we're getting! 

I don't have all my numbers here, but this is what I know and remember from my previous cycles:

2005, IVF 1
Eggs retrieved: 29
Fertilized: 21
Day 3 update: 15 embryos growing. 
2 embryos transferred on day 3, 13 frozen.

2007, IVF 2
Eggs retrieved: 17
I am not sure how many fertilized, but we had 10 for biopsy on day 3
PGD result: 1 normal

2008 IVF 3
Eggs retrieved: 14
Fertilized: 9, and 9 survived for biopsy
PGD result: 1 normal (but not good grade on day 5)

2008: IVF 4
Eggs retrieved: 17
Fertilized: 13
Day 3 - 11 survived for biopsy
PGD result - 2 normal 

2009: IVF 5
Eggs retrieved: 31
Fertilized (with ICSI) 14
Biopsy will be on day 5, and now I wonder how many will make it. Given our ratios earlier, we will be lucky to have 1 normal for transfer! :-(

So I'm bummed. To say the least. I don't know what else one can do to make the odds turn more in our favor. I don't know why this is so hard.

And that's not enough. Remember my new insurance? I got active on that on 1/1 and with the holidays and then with stims and doctors and ER etc, I wasn't able to talk to them till today to confirm all my coverage. CCRM also needs a written authorization from the insurance, and as they had said, it would be easier for us to get the authorizations.

But, get this, the insurance tells me I have no infertility coverage. None. Whatsoever. WTF????? It is a state mandate, my ex-employer is NJ based. The benefits summary I got says I have coverage. The website member zone shows me I have coverage. But no. The customer service reps (and we called back twice, just in case we were talking to a moron the first time), tell us we have no coverage. That my employer opted for "Benefits Exclusion" and excluded infertility! WTF!!!!!! 

I am now going between emails and phone calls with CCRM (to see if there is any way we can expect maybe a couple more eggs to mature and fertilize) and with my employer (my HR manager is not in office, and the HR assistant says she doesn't understand my question, and can I please email her the terms I'm using, so she can call the rep at the insurance company). 

I'm in a funk right now - why the hell does everything have to be so hard? People get drunk and get pregnant for free! People complain about the work it is to have a baby. I have quit my work TO have that baby, and I'm paying through my nose for everything, and still it's like I'm attempting the impossible!