I have literally spent the entire day staring at my phone, willing it to ring. I was waiting for my day 5 update. I've chewed my fingernails down to stubs, I've paced up and down, I've panicked and done everything else I could. I called and left a message, I emailed the nurse to follow up - I did EVERYTHING!!

Finally the embryologist called. Once again, it's not good. 

Here were my numbers on Day 3, with the cell break down:

12 embryos that were growing
2 at 10 cell
2 at 9 cell
5 at 8 cell
3 at 7 cell

The 2 that weren't being counted were 1 at 5 cell, and 1 at 3 cell.

The 3 late bloomers were at 2 cell, 4 cell and 5 cell. 

Flash forward to Day 5 - i.e. Today.  The story looks different now.

They were able to biopsy and vitrify 2 blastocysts. Yes, 2. That's all. And the 2 are graded as follows:

1 at 4BB
1 at 3BA 

They are watching a few more that MAY still develop by tomorrow:
2 stage 2 early blastocysts
2 stage 1 early blastocysts
3 at compacting stage (ie, they are significantly delayed) 
5 have arrested development (the 2 that didn't make day 3, plus 3 more)

From the late bloomers - none are looking close to being even early blastocysts right now. They will watch them tomorrow and on Wednesday. 

So in effect, we're down to 2 that have reached where they were supposed to in terms of growth. But even then they are not the best quality. It is a touch and go situation with the remaining, and they will call us tomorrow to update us on those and their progress. 

I don't know what to make of this. I'm devastated because I'm thinking there is no way we'll get one normal out of 2. I have a horrible sinking feeling in my heart that I should stop hoping. I don't know what to do now. And I don't know why everything has to be so hard. I don't know if I should keep any hopes up for the remaining embryos, or for the 2 that have been biopsied or for the ones that matured later, or for this cycle over all. 

I just want to wake up from this nightmare and find out none of this ever happened. I don't have the energy or the will to fight and hope any more. I don't even have the energy to panic anymore. 

I give up.