Anyone dealing with or having dealt with infertility will agree. Apart from the very obvious – the inability to have a baby – infertility also brings with it these 2:

WEIGHT and WAIT.

We all know how we’re incessantly waiting – waiting for results, waiting for doctor’s appointments, waiting for schedule, waiting to start cycling, waiting for results – and the cycle continues. While we wait, normal life occurs (ok, not NORMAL as it used to be – but the new normal that we’ve settled into)

And that’s where my struggle with weight comes in.

I’m going to bare my soul here and talk actual numbers and sizes. I know there will be people who will say: “Eeks, she’s FAT”, and there will be people who will say: “Please – you have no reason to complain, do you know what half the world weighs?” I understand. I don’t want to offend anyone or tick anyone off. I am not comparing myself with anyone else at all. I am comparing myself with me. Or who I used to be.

Before IVF#1 – I weighed 124 lbs. Size 4. I could happily wear short T-shirts that even showed a little tummy. And remember, I'm petite - I'm only about 5 ft 3 or 4 inches. 

After IVF#1, I sort of settled at 130 lbs – sometimes swinging to 132. Still ok. Size 4 pants still fit me ok, but I had bought a couple of size 6 pants for my “blah” days.

After IVF#2 – I was pregnant for a few weeks and my bloating from the injections and swollen ovaries continued right on. I could not button up any of my pants, and since I did not know better, I didn’t expect things to go wrong, and I ended up buying a couple of maternity pants / jeans. Three days after that trip to the mall, we found out the baby’s heart had stopped beating. My depression after the miscarriage made me go back pretty quickly to 130 lbs and to my size 4 pants.

IVF#3 and IVF#4 happened back to back – with IVF#3 I had a chemical pg, and with IVF# 4 I had an ectopic pregnancy, which was treated with methotrexate injections. My weight sort of plateaued at 134-136 lbs. My size 4s felt tight. My size 6s felt snug.

After IVF#4, I had surgery to fix my uterus, and then moved on to IVF#5. 

Now - in between ER and FET of IVF#5 – 138-140 lbs. Some of my size 4s won’t go over my knees. Some that do go up, look obscene. And my tummy mushrooms over them in a very very pathetic manner. My 6s feel tight. There is one pair of jeans that is close to comfortable and I’m tired of wearing them all the time. Other than that pair, I’m wearing drawstring or elastic waisted pants.

You can’t really go out in those pants. So like I said, while I am waiting for my cycle to continue, my weight dilemma weighs in on me.

Should I buy bigger clothes? No. I don’t want to, I hope to be pregnant, and I will wear my maternity pants then.
Should I wear maternity pants now? No, because I feel superstitious about jinxing my chances (don’t ask me to explain why).
Should I complain about my weight? No, the intention is to get pregnant and put on 25-30 lbs more.
So am I happy about my weight – the fact that I am 16lbs heavier than I was before IVF#1? No – I’m close to being depressed about it!

I know this is not the time to be worrying about my weight – and on most days, I don’t worry. I worry when I have to go out, and when I stand in my closet for ages KNOWING there’s nothing there that fits ok.

I’m the kind of person who gets motivation to lose weight when I’ve lost some already. That’s when I’m happy to shed more, and maintain it. When I put on weight, I lose all the motivation to move my blubbery self and do anything about it.

Once again, please, I don’t mean to offend anyone by talking actual numbers here. I am merely talking about ME, and how much I weigh. This is my opinion on myself, and about nobody else.

Weight - the unfortunate by-product of IF. And it's bothering me because I'm in waiting mode right now! Oh well.....

Update: I just realized I didn't mention this. Don't worry - I'm not on a diet or doing anything drastic. In fact, on the contrary, DH has decided that I need to drink "fattier" milk, so he's not letting me get my usual fat free dairy! I'm eating well, and eating healthy for the most part. I would not compromise anything for the chances of this FET to work!! :-)

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