I apologize for my silence. I am usually not the quiet type of person. I talk talk talk all the time, and my need to express myself is pretty high. But the last week (or couple of weeks) has been very exhausting. It’s taking me a long time to process my thoughts and feelings, and even at the end of processing everything, I’m not sure of my thoughts and feelings.

To begin with – it’s my blogoversary today. I started my blog on 3/24/08 – I wrote a couple of introductory posts and then disappeared till July. So July was when I really started writing regularly, but this blog was created a year ago today.

And as I look back over the year, I realize I’m still in exactly the same place. It’s like being on a treadmill. You run, you’re tired, but physically you’re stationary. You’re in the same place. I’m totally tired and worn out, but nowhere near where I imagined I would be. Almost everyone I know in real life is one of the following:

a) Pregnant
b) Has just delivered a baby
c) Has a child (or two or even three)
d) Not in TTC mode (yet)

Me? Here is where I am:

e) None of the above

The whole experience has left me feeling very distastefully bitter. I have said this time and again, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record I will say it again – but I don’t find myself being able to hope any more. I don’t know how to even visualize myself with a baby anymore. I can’t picture a baby in my arms. I can’t picture a baby crawling on the floors of this house. I can’t picture us getting baby furniture. Or maybe I just stopped picturing it all.

Then I read Mamasoon’s blog post, where she asks us all to tell her what we really really want. I opened the comment box, and it struck me how numbed my “wants” have become. I had to take myself back in my head to years ago, to when I used to dream about having babies, or *gasp* DARE to have a preference of a boy or a girl!

It may be a “Grapes are sour” syndrome that I’m suffering from, but right now, I am actually wondering if I even want a baby at the end of all this. There, I said it! I don’t know if I want a baby any more. I have let myself get so entrenched in the cycles of TTC, and in getting on the schedule all the time, that in the process, I seem to have lost the softer side of a desire for a baby.

Where am I in terms of this FET, and with our decisions? In limbo. And to add to the complexity of 8 years of TTC and repeated failures and losses, I now am very strongly distrustful of my body. I met a couple of dear friends on Sunday and as we were talking about my next steps, I said: “I am probably tending towards a gestational carrier because my body will not be able to screw up that pregnancy.” I don’t really know how to proceed ahead right now. I suppose things will fall in place over the next few weeks / months, and I should let that happen and not start trying to imagine scenarios right now.

I did start looking out for jobs pretty aggressively. I had one interview last week, and I got an offer. It was not a great role or salary or company, and I’m not excited about it much, but yes, I am very grateful that I got an offer so quickly in this economy. I’m also very happy that I was able to sustain the interview without falling apart thinking about the last year. I may not take this job, but it did help me with restoring my confidence a little. Now, if only I can get something a little more decent, I'd be very very happy!

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