We are back from Denver. Things went well as far as the hysteroscopy was concerned. Dr. Schoolcraft said he didn’t expect to see any scar tissue or adhesions, but he wanted to make sure for himself, just in case he was wrong. He was right, there were no adhesions or scar tissue in the uterus. They did another 3-D u/s after the hysteroscopy. The size, shape, volume of my uterus all looks good.

Then we sat with Dr. Sch to hear his recommendations and to discuss next steps. He strongly feels we should give my uterus a fair enough try, and that we should not start considering a gestational carrier at this point.

I asked him if the D&Cs that I’ve had in the last couple of years could be causing my lining to be thin, and he agreed. He said about 10% women get impacted by D&C procedures and the effect shows on the lining being thin, and it does appear to be the case with me, and that I just had some “bad luck” in being part of that 10%. (Of course I told him it was just “more bad luck” because I seem to fall on the “bad luck” side of things way too often.)

He also said that he would be willing to do a transfer in my case even if we can get the lining up to 6mm to 6.5mm. He doesn’t think my uterus will make a lining thicker than that anymore. He said he’s seen pregnancies occur even with a lining as thin as 5 mm, but those are pretty rare (and I guess that would require an inordinate amount of luck, which we all know I do not have). He also said he looked back at my records, and he said they should have noticed this from the beginning, but somehow overlooked it. This is what has been recorded:

Sep 2008 (When I went for my 1 day work up) I was on CD8 and my lining was 2.9mm. He said that should have been the first indication that we could have potential problems with lining. Usually by CD8, women have linings much thicker than 2.9 mm.

Jan 2009 – During my IVF stim phase, right before ER. The thickest my lining got to was 6mm. This with the tons of estrogen in my body, and with all the stim injections pumping everything up. That was another indication

Feb / March 2009 – Prepping for FET. The best we got to was 5.4mm.

With this history over the last 6 months, he doesn’t think I will end up with anything much thicker, and if I get even 1 mm over 6 or 6.5, that will be “icing on the cake”.

So I should be excited, right? Dr. Schoolcraft is giving me hope. He, the wizard of IF, who has given several people very straight shooting advice to stop trying with their own eggs or their own uterus etc. Instead of telling me to give up trying, he dismissed my suggestion of using a surrogate, saying I need to give my uterus another chance before I move on with those decisions. So I should be relieved and excited, right?

I’m not.

Because this leaves the decision back on us. Now we need to decide if and when we want to try again. I asked the nurse, and she looked at the dates and told me if I try with my next cycle, it would be around the end of April when we get to do a transfer.

I’m confused. On the one hand I need to close this chapter one way or another and move on with my life. I’ve put too much on hold for way too long. On the other, with every week and every month, we’re depleting more and more of our savings, and coming closer to a huge financial crisis in our lives. We need to get an income coming into the house very soon. The company DH launched is not generating any revenue yet, and while that may suddenly change and become a revenue generating company, we can’t sit and wait for it to happen. Therefore I need to step out and find a job immediately. And honestly, I don’t think I can really start a job and be prepping for a FET within the first few weeks on the job.

DH has some valid points as well. He feels that at least right now we have the hope of a transfer in the future. Supposing we do the FET and it fails, or I get pregnant and I miscarry, I will be in a much worse mental condition than I am right now. And with that mental condition, I may not even be able to find a job, and get anything back on track.

Also, achieving a pregnancy is not the goal. The goal is to sustain the pregnancy and have a baby at the end of it. Right now, with all the financial stress I’m under, it may not be a right time for me to be pregnant anyway. Yes, shocking realization, but the point is, with every month, we have been digging deeper into our savings. Had I got pregnant months ago, things would have been totally different. But with one thing after the other happening, we kept having to wait month after month after month.

So, as difficult as it is, I think our decision is clear. I need to get some other parts of my life back on track, and put this FET on hold for a few months, while I look for jobs, find something, get my brain, and my bank account a little more in control.

I know I’m sounding very calm and collected and mature about this decision. But believe me, I’m feeling far from that. There is nothing that I want more than to complete this cycle, and hopefully be pregnant and put the last 8 years behind me.

I had a big meltdown on the flight back from Denver last night. Thankfully it was a flight at night, and the lights were turned off, and I hope passengers in the rows in front and behind me couldn’t hear me sobbing. I don’t want to not be able to do FET right now next month, but I don’t have an option. I am very angry with DH for saying these logical things to me, and making me think practically. Yes, of course, one needs to be sensible, but what does one do when one doesn’t WANT to be sensible?

I don’t want to stop TTC, even for a few months, but I have to. So I have reached out to a bunch of people this morning, asking them for leads on jobs. For any of my readers from the Bay Area, CA - please let me know if you can help me with my job hunt. We can discuss it offline, and I can send you my resume. I will be much obliged for any help that I can get.